Kimberly de Montbrun: Do I have to Check in My AP Card? |
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message boards: chat schedule gentle parenting
 From the Twinkle in your eye to the babe at your breast, and everything in between....
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It never ceases to amaze me how quickly the Internet evolves and progresses, spinning new ideas at incredible speeds. Five years ago when I first started my journey into newsgroups and mailing lists I came across the enigmatic phrase Attachment Parenting. I was amazed and thrilled to find that there were others across this planet who were approaching the role of parent in the same reverence and respect that that position demands. Parents who were putting thought behind their actions, empathising with their infants and opening a whole new world of parenting philosophies that just seemed to resonate with my instinctual self. I found a world of kindred spirits who welcomed their babies into every aspect of their lives, who answered their baby's cries, brought them into the family bed and nursed them well beyond the point that popular culture tells us we should stop. It was a world of like-minded souls who wished to guide their children gently through life, tossing timeworn strategies, such as spanking, to the wind and devising new methods to ensure their children grew up with their sense of self intact. It was great to place a name to the reality of our family; to feel included in a group, instead of the slightly odd mom at the park… "can you believe she’s still nursing?" I wore the badge with pride, and I still would, except I’m not sure anymore if I’m allowed to… Upon my recent re-entry into newsgroups and mailing lists I was surprised at the evolution of Attachment Parenting. The label I used to feel secure and proud in, no longer seems to fit. It has become more inclusive and exclusive at the same time, if that makes any sense. There seems to be an unwritten check-list, including cloth diapering, vegetarianism, delaying or opting out of vaccinations, homeschooling etc. that one must almost methodically tick off all the way down to qualify for the formal position of AP Mom. I’m not sure if I qualify anymore. My resume seems to be severely lacking in several areas. I must admit that I do not cloth diaper. I think it is wonderful to use cloth diapers. They are softer, better for the environment, and besides all of that, they are unbearably cute. I will tell anyone that cloth is best, heck, I even sell them in my shop. Unfortunately, I am completely deficient in the laundry department. The mountain of dirtied clothes in my basement, I am ashamed to say, can at times reach unscaleable heights. Despite my well-meaning intentions, it is not often that it ever disappears to the point where the laundry room floor can be seen in its totality. I know myself well enough that I know adding a few more loads to that already infinite amount, would not work at all. This is not the only area that I do not get to check off on my list. Although I started off with good intentions of raising a vegetarian child (I myself, having been one for 9 years now), I have somehow managed to produce a most dedicated carnivour. He uses meat almost as part of his identity, touting "Mommy is a vegetarian, but I eat meat." I have more hopes of getting to tick this box with my daughter who has recently discovered the real source of meat and has dedicated her 2 year old self to making sure all chickens get to "play outside, not be on the plate". We have also been known to indulge ourselves (ok, on a regular basis) with all sorts of unwholesome foods, you know, the really yummy kind. My children’s first birthday cakes were the real kind, laden with sugar and all sorts of nasty goodies instead of the recommended fruit juice sweetened, no icing-ed, carrot or zucchini variety. I can’t say that we have gone the delayed vaccinations route either. My infant son is 6 mos old and has had one set so far. The delay has been more out of a feeling of ambivalence about the whole issue rather than a confirmed stance. We won’t be opting for the hep b vaccines or the chickenpox, and I will be asking for the accelular pertussis vaccine instead of the whole cell, but that’s about as radical as we get (which from talking to the ladies who answer the phone at my doctor’s office is pretty darn radical!). I could go on all the way down the checklist of where we have fallen short of the ideal Attachment Parenting Poster Family, but the list would be too long. The truth is that I receive less than flying colours in many/most of the new sections that have been embraced in the new definition of Attachment Parenting. It’s not that I don’t see the point or the goodness inherent in them, it’s just that I don’t feel they work for us right now. On a broader level, I worry about this new definition. I am probably the most radical mom at the playground around here, and this hasn’t changed in many years. But in the message groups now, I feel like Ultra-Conservative Mom…and really, it feels uncomfortable. By becoming more inclusive of alternative methods of parenting in the definition of AP, I wonder if we are not scaring away a vast number of people who would like to learn about new ideas of raising children gently and respectfully but know that they just can’t ever measure up to all of the areas that it now seems to demand. I really wonder that by broadening the definition the club becomes too exclusive. We are, after all, seeking to become better parents, not vying for the position of All Natural Domestic Mother Goddess. So, I’m still left wondering, do I still get to be a part of the club? Is it enough to support a gentler method of guiding my children through life, building strong and respectful relationships with them? Is it enough to offer my arms, my breast, and my bed to them without restriction? I hope so, because it has been a group that I have enjoyed belonging to – one that has constantly given me the inspiration and support to work at being the best mommy I can be. |
